I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
