nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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