Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
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I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
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If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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