life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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