I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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