Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
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We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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