phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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