every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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