My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
