It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
