Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
