Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
