im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
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I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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