my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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