only if we run a train.
done.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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