Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
