I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
