I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
