I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i drank out of a bidet.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
