I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
