I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
