hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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