and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
