my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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