Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
