apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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