I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
