I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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