I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
