apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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