You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
