SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
