she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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