True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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