i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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