Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
