So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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