Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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