epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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