I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
