I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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