i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
