you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
