Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
