she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
