I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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