stop calling my apartment porn island.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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