The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
