this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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