The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
