she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm both gender and math confused
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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