Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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