smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
